Mixed Feelings...mixed nuts

this has been a strange week.
Yesterday I got the news that a friend died - and I'd just been reading his emails the day before. Really strange. It's funny how things sneak up on you like that. Death always hits me - not, well, hard, but hits me. I've had a lot of death in my life, and I always weep. I don't think it's always from sadness-sometimes I think it's jealousy-they got there before me. That song where the grandpa is telling the 15 year old about his grandmother's note left just before they eloped, and how "if you get there before I do, don't give up on me." I guess that's how I feel. It's especially what I want my husband to hear.
I'm also in a strange mood because my daughter left for Yellowstone today. My hubby took her up last night, and it's the second one that is out of the home. It's not like we haven't been expecting this, or waiting for this to happen. In fact, I kind of pushed her out into the world. We'd decided she was getting to comfy at home - no rent, no school, part time work. What do you think? ;)
"Go work up there," I said. "You'll love it! Living in a dorm with a roomie, working in a national park, going on trips to town, not having to prepare meals or wash dishes -"(actually, that appealed to me for a few minutes) I'm not sure my hubby will thank me anytime soon. He wanted her off her duff and out of the house, but MONTANA?
Anyway, thinking of her there, off on her own with strangers everywhere she looks-makes me wonder how she is going to handle it. It's her first test of adulthood. Her first trial by fire. How is she going to handle it? I can only pray and hope the best. I kept repeating in my mind last night as I was trying to go to sleep all by myself in our empty feeling king sized bed that I was leaving it all in the Lord's hands. He was much more capable than I, He was the one holding them in his care. I had to let go.
Letting go isn't always easy.
Her sister jokingly told me she'd have to come home more often to take up the slack with her sister gone. I'm not sure that's a good idea either..(grin) Her brothers love to have someone to torment. The one sister left might string them all up by their toes during the night and I might find them all screaming outside from the tree in the morning...
I remember when I went off to college my first year, and it was a scary time for me. It was the first time I'd ever experienced being homesick. I'm afraid my daughter might be homesick, and I'm not sure what to tell her-how to help. I'm not sure how I got over it, but I must have just kept going and kept doing, even though my heart ached with the strangeness of it.
I still find it hard to believe I'm old enough to have a daughter out on her own. Two of them, with the third quickly joining them. Where did the time go? I still feel like I'm in my early 20's, just barely married and happily living with the man of my dreams.
How come we can't stop time and view the past for a moment and soak up the joy and happiness that was then? Would that help with the ache in the empty space now? Probably not. If someone came up with a way to do it, they'd probably make millions.
I said mixed nuts in the title today because a mixed bag of feelings is much like a mixed bag of nuts. I don't like all the nuts they put in those things. I like peanuts, cashews, almonds and that's about it. But you can't toss feelings or emotions as casually aside as you can a nut you don't like. Sometimes you have to just deal with them and go on. Sometimes I guess that's where our growth comes from-these times of separation.
My hubby commented the other night that we were going to be in trouble when all of our kids were out of the house. What would we talk about? I told him that was silly. We'd keep talking about all the other things we talk about now! Writing, a book we've read, the house, the yard, our kid's problems, the church, etc. etc. etc. That is one of the things I love so much about him. We talk about everything.
But, I don't know why it's so much easier for me to let go than it is for him-I'm the mother! You'd think my heart would be pulled much tighter than his, but sometimes it's not. However, this time, I think it might be just as hard for me as it is him-even though heis the one dropping her off and having to drive away. (I think I would have a hard time seeing the road for a few miles if it were me)
I think it's a good thing I had to go to work today. I think sitting at home in an empty home, knowing that my daughter is far, far away, would NOT have been a good thing.
I might have to go buy some nuts on the way home.


KB said…
I'll be sending my daughter off to college in August. Even thought she's my third child, she's the first to go away to college. I can relate to your mixed feelings. I'm glad to see her go because I know it will be a great experience for her. But I also worry that she will get hurt.

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