Why am I Fat? Good Question

Today's world is all about image.  If you haven't realized that, you need to look at a few magazine covers or watch a few commercials...ugh.

Being a Christian, the idea is something else.  It's what's on the inside, not the outside.  However- having grown up in this society, it's not always possible to get that through the brain.  Despite all we tell ourselves, we are still our own biggest enemy when it comes to image.

I have been heavy all my life.  When I was little, I used to tell my dad that I wanted to be a ballerina.  He would pat me on the head, and even bought me a shoe box one time - but he never had the heart to tell me I didn't have the body for it.  Everyone that loved me hid the idea that I was not skinny from me.  I didn't realize it until I was 12, really.  And my step-grandmother put me on a diet.  I was visiting my grandfather for a couple of weeks, and she about had a cow.

I weighed 132 pounds.

As I got older, I streamlined a little.  When I was 16, I had gained more, but not so much that I was a blob - just larger than the skinny girls.  I didn't have dates, didn't have a boyfriend (though I did have a couple of boys that tried) and I went through my teenage years reading my life away.

When I moved to Utah and discovered what a real family was like, food was part of the comfort.  Food has always been a comfort to me.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I have discovered that part of me is always worried of where my next meal is going to come from.  Needless to say I went through some tight times when I was younger, and it's still inside me...waiting.

I went on weight watchers, and lost 40 pounds.  I felt like a new person.  I was done with dieting, I never really did work out, and my personality did a 180...to the dark side.  I became some stranger that I still don't recognize or understand why...but that's what it was.  My sophomore year at college was a nightmare I am glad is totally over and gone...

The happiest time in my life was when I was living in Salt Lake with roommates...working out, working full time, living the single life.  I was waiting for Mr Wright to return from his mission, and trying to become my best self at the same time.

No dates...no real prospects even - but I wasn't too worried.  I knew Mr. Wright was out there, and that he'd hinted at having feelings for me.

When he came home and things clicked and we got married, life was perfect.  And I gained weight.  When I'm happy, I eat.  It's part of my pshyci...(however you spell that).  My hubby likes what I cook, so he gained weight too.  By the time I got pregnant with my twins, I had gained 30 pounds, and the doctor was worried about pregnancy issues.  She sent me to a dietician, and it worked excellent.  I lost 20 pounds before the twins even started gaining anything.  I lost everything I had gained with them in delivery...but then gained some after and also got pregnant right way...

So, needless to say, my life has been up and down with weight.  My heaviest was about 5 years ago.  I weighed over 300 pounds.  I felt awful, I couldn't do anything exertive, and my hubby was worried about my health.  I had already started doing Zumba, because I like to dance.  That was a wonderful thing for me!  Then I ended up going to a personal trainer.

She was the best!  Working with her I managed to loose almost 100 pounds!  The first time in over 10 years I weighed within site of 200.  It was sooo amazing!!

And then I hit a wall.  I have no idea why...I still don't, other than I'm in my 50's and have menopause...sigh.  My trainer was stumped too.  We went through another six months, and then she decided to quit and be a mom for her babies.  Totally cool! 

We hooked up with my niece.  She's been great too, but the weight stopped plateauing, it started going back up.

I haven't been on a scale for a while, and I'm afraid to.  The last time I got on one I'd gained 50 pounds back!!  I feel like I'm slowly bloating.  I've tried green smoothies, (which we love, and try to keep eating for breakfast), but they didn't help me loose anything.

I've tried protein drinks, but had to stop that because I was eating too much protein and hurting my kidneys.


So, I'm still reviewing options.

But, I actually tried out for Biggest Looser this past spring.  It was a big step for me to do that, and I met some amazing women, but didn't make it.  Compared to some of the people, I was rather slim...and didn't have some tragic story.

I just finished a book by one of the contestants from season 8.  I don't watch the show, we don't really watch tv - but I used to see the updates on Yahoo of where they started, and how much they lost.  One of the winners inspired me to look at getting a personal trainer because she was in her late 40's.  I figured if she could do it, then it wasn't impossible to loose weight.

Anyway - I finished this book called Working it Out...by Abby Rike.  It's pretty cool, she sounds totally amazing, and I like that she's a religious person.  She's had a tough hardship to go through, and she's done well.  What really got me thinking though, is why I can't seem to get there.

What is it that keeps me fat??  I have pretty much given up refined sugar.  We don't eat much fat, but we do have real butter and olive oil and coconut oil in the house.  I love avocados...and dark chocolate.  We don't have any white flour, and I don't eat whole eggs anymore - give me whites!!! lol.  I love to experiment with cooking and making things low sugar and low fat...but I guess when it comes right down to it, I still just love to eat.

And my family likes what I cook.  Which only encourages me...lol

Well...I'm thinking it's time to start making some serious steps in my life.  My hubby has been soooo supportive of me in my various ventures and talents.  He is an amazing man, and has always been my Mr. Wright.

But I have to shift my thinking a little.  I know I need to work out every day.  I let life get in the way, and now that I've recognized that, I think it's time to get myself going.

anyway - I'm just venting and thinking out loud.  Not that I think anyone's going to really get anything out of this, but here ya go.  I'm looking at the mountain ahead of me, and trying to figure out the best way to get climbing.  I know one step at a time is always the best way...it's that first step.

Wish me luck.  ;)


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