Not Pioneer Stock...or feet

I've decided I would never have made a good pioneer. I can't handle heat very well. Trecking across the plains in the blazing sun, wearing three layers of clothing and long sleeves with a bonnet would have done me in. Let alone the shoes! I would have been one of those will calused soles of at least an inch thick walking the whole trail without shoes. ugh.
And the cooking? Every meal a dutch oven surprise? Wouldn't have happened after the first two months. Then I would have been telling everyone to make sure the buffalo meat got dried, cause I wouldn't be cooking anymore. My favorite summer meal is pasta salad and lemonade. How often do you think they had lemonade?
Let alone the winters...tramping through snow with no shoes and nothing but blankets would have done me in as well. I guess I'm a wimp all the way around.
Then let's talk about city life. Getting to Salt Lake, they didn't have real civilization until they'd been there for about 10 years. And then, the outside world didn't really invade until the rail road made it through. I've got this problem with mail, see, I like to get it all the time. I would have felt sooo isolated--I was born in the city.
I figure that's okay though...Pioneers would probably have been way confused and frustrated with our lifestyle. I mean, a cell phone? Why would you want to have contact with your children while they were in the forest relieving themselves? ewe! Let alone a car--that would have been way beyond their comprehension. Let's see how they would have done changing a tire in the middle of a snowstorm without an overpass to protect them from the snow or slush flung by passing cars... Or working at a job they didn't necessarily like for 8 hours a day, with an hour commute in rush hour to get home and sit in front of a television which showed 'reality' shows and how other people had more money than they did.
Let's face it, everyone had more money than the pioneers. That would have been no reality show, it would have been life.
I don't know. It just amazes me how these people had the strength and fortitude to make that journey and live during the time period they lived in. Makes you wonder what we could do if we put our minds to it. What kind of inner strengths do we have? What kind of feats could we pull off?
Interesting to think about, isn't it? Have a good one!

World's Fastest Indian

I really hope that anyone that watches this movie doesn't take America on that assumption--short of how everyone manages to help him reach his goal. The start of his trip isn't too auspicious, but at least he finally gets to the Salt Flats.

I was so impressed with this movie. I loved how everyone rallied around him and helped him reach his goal when they realized how far he had come to fullfill it. It makes me take an evaluated look at my own life and my own dreams. How far am I willing to go to reach them?

I think most of my life has been one of convenience. If it worked, I did it. I didn't really strive hard for anything, outside of my marriage and my children. But this past year I've discovered that I do have the capability to achieve what I set my mind to. I never thought I could. I've discovered that I can make myself write everyday. I can control what I eat. I can make myself walk. It's been an eye opening experience.

Have you done that lately?

Relationships- Joy and Pain

Well...this month is kind of a mile stone for me. My husband and I will have been married 20 years on our anniversary this month. It hardly seems possible. We shake our heads at each other, knowing it just doesn't seem like that amount of time has passed.
And then we look at our twin daughters that turn 19 this year, and know there is no getting around it, we've gotten old when we weren't looking. Not that we are OLD...grin, but older. Probably a little bit fuddy duddy.
Although, one of my twins will tell me every time that she has a sexy mom...grin. (I think I'll keep her...)
Our relationship has never been perfect, although I would say it was close. I love him more now than I did then, and that always amazes me. I think he is truely more handsome now than he was then, and I thought he was ohhh so good looking then. sigh. Now his face has richness and character that I just love to gaze at all the time. It's simply wonderful.
He claims he is a lousy husband and an okay father, and I have to argue. He is a wonderful father, simply because he loves our children with a deepness and intensity that they have no clue. Some day they'll understand, and then they'll appreciate him more.
While he is perhaps, not the most perfect of husbands, I wouldn't trade him for anyone else. He loves me in such a way that I know he is missing me. I know he wants to spend time with me. It is a wonder and something I'm always thankful for. He loves me.
At the same time, I wonder if he realizes how much I love him. I was reading The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks the other day, and thinking about how couples fall into routines during the child raising years. One of my husband's fears is that we won't have anything to talk about when our last child has left the home and we are alone with each other.
I count the days sometimes...
That is one of the things I fell in love with. Our ability to talk about anything. There was no uncomfortable, heavens-what-do-I-talk-about with him--I remember laying on my bed, listening to him talk on the phone and being amazed at the conversation. That was before we even started dating.
After a while, I began to really respect him and his integrity. It is a quality I admire and look for, and he has it in spades. If my husband says he will do something, you can count on him to do it (at least if it's outside our family...grin-sometimes the simple stuff gets lost in the shuffle). He is also extremely loyal, especially as an employee. I am so impressed with how he handles himself and works at doing his job. How he provides the best he can for me and the children. I thank God in my prayers every night for the blessing of having him in my life.
He supports me as best he can in my endeavors, such as writing and painting and whatever else I mention I want to do.
Unfortunately, I have to admit I don't feel I've been as good at it with him. He has had to point it out a couple of times, and it makes my heart ache. I never intend on being selfish, I never thought I was that kind of person, but there are times in our relationship where I feel that is what has happened. It's all about me...mom...wife...what do I get out of things? I want things a certain way...I want to spend money on this and money is tight. He hates having to say no, so sometimes he will say yes just because he knows it's something I want. Even if it's just a trinket that I could simply live without. He would buy me the world if he could.
On the other hand, I tend to be more concious about the money when HE is the one spending it. But, in my mind, I feel he won't accept spending money on himself. He's told me several times that he doesn't feel right spending money on shoes for him when one of the kids needs them, etc. Even though he hasn't gotten a new pair of shoes in at least two years... let alone Sunday shoes that he's had since his mission...sigh.
So...then I try to find him what he wants in the least expensive way possible so he doesn't feel guilty, and he feels that I'm trying to spend as little as possible on him. He tells me that there's no way I can win, but he loves the effort.
He's a little depressed about our anniversary. He wanted to take me to Hawaii, or somewhere else really special since our honeymoon was pretty basic, thought I loved every minute of it. We simply can't afford it. However, my sister owns a condo in a ski city nearby, and we're going to spend a couple of nights there.
My biggest excitement is that my mother-in-law is taking us on a cruise a month after our anniversary. I figure that counts...although he's not paying for it, it's still a chance to be romantic. We're trying to figure out how we can avoid his family for the seven day cruise...
;)
Anyway, I guess what I'm rambling on about, is it's amazing how our perceptions, our desires and our characters change over time. You get married, you think life is at it's best and can't get any worse. Then you have children. Unimaginable stresses come upon your relationship and you have to work at staying together. Then, you do something else...loose a job, or remodel a home, etc. Those add even more stress, and it's not unusual to have couples fighting over the color of the bathroom tile when it seems a trivial thing. (trust me...I had no idea my husband would have definite ideas on what he wanted the house to look like, I thought it was all up to me!)
Marriage relationships take work and dedication--more than any other thing you will work on in your life. An nothing else will be as meaningful in the long run.
Except perhaps sharing that relationship with your children.

Summer Time Blues

I realize it's a little early in the summer to bewailing it already, but I am. It's only three days into vacation time, and already I'm thinking of stringing up my three younger sons.

It's not entirely their fault...but then again, it is. They figure that school is out, they can do as they please. Play chess or checkers all day--play with legos until they are scattered all over the house (don't you lOVE stepping on those sharp little buggers?)--run outside and climb all the trees (which is one of the reasons we live here, so they CAN do that...grin).

But the clutter and chaos of the house is ignored in all of this, and that's what drives me crazy. I've never been a neat fanatic--ask anyone in my family. Any flat surface tends to be piled on. HOWEVER (grin) I have to say that I have turned a new leaf - so to speak - and now try very hard to keep those surfaces clean. I don't do it as often as I'd like to, and so they do start piling up. But, it's much better than it used to be, and so I tend to notice it rather quickly.

Especially when it's my children doing the piling.

Say whenever they clear off the table for dinner...any flat surface will do to put the items they are taking off. Regardless as to their importance or ability to be found later. (we have discovered this much to our dismay) Then, we have a wood buffet that my husbands grandmother made with her own two little hands... It's gorgeous, but it has several flat surfaces that my autistic son feels is his duty to decorate. I still have Christmas stuff on there, so it's not entirely his fault...(grin) Then we have the children's desk...which is an old workshop desk with a spot for four people and four drawers on each side that has become a flat surface with legs...you can't see the top of it for the papers piled on it now. You know how it is, end of school, clean out the desks...bring everything home and dumped it on the biggest flat surface you can find? Which is usually the floor...and then we have to make everyone pick them up and it ends up on the desk.

So...the purpose of this rambling diatribe is that one of my projects for the summer, is to declutter my living spaces. This morning it was finding the garbage can that belonged in the laundry room and picking up the floor so that you can tell there is cement down there. (well...cement is better than - um, dirt...grin) I came back up to realize that everywhere I looked there was a flat surface that needed attention. Sigh.

So...now that my older girls are out of the home and no longer help in the cleaning department...it's mainly up to me to whip things into shape, along with training my sons. My youngest is learning how the dishwasher works. That's been real fun, I can tell you. And he's also on the kitchen for his daily chore and getting the message that he needs to sweep out from under the table has been difficult...(I know that hamburger bun looks petrified, but it doesn't count for a collection...)

So...I have to remind myself- I love these children, I wanted them, and it's more important to train them and love them and create a loving environment than to have a perfect house. I've long ago given up on the perfect house...now I'd just like the de-cluttered one. Is that too much to ask?

Only 82 more days until school starts... ;)

Happy Mothers Day...I think...

Well...I realized that I should have posted something in honor of this day and that I was remiss. This day always leaves me feeling torn and conflicted. Torn because I want to go choke all the emotional outpourings of perfection from the speakers I have to listen to, and conflicted with the joy those little cherubs bring to my life.
You see...I love my children, and I'm very thankful I have them--but there are many times when I really wish they belonged to someone else.
Ever have thoughts like that?
Now that two of my children have 'left the nest' so to speak, mother's day was really strange. One daughter came and spent some time with us--bringing gifts. It was sweet. The other one called, so I had that. She'd totally forgot it was mother's day. Who was there to remind her? No one.
Isn't that what mothers are for? (grin)
I hate sitting through church meetings where they espouse the wonders of the mothers past and present and make the rest of us--who are not quite Molly material--feel even less so. My children are quick to tell me they think I'm great, and there have been times when I've been Molly-ish, but I'm not really.
It's never been my goal in life. I did not grow up dreaming of the day I'd become a mom, and think of all the fun things I would do with my kids.
Kids used to scare me.
I just dreamed of getting married and living happily ever after with the man of my dreams. Never mind that he had visions of children dancing around in his head--primarily nine of them so he could have his own baseball team. (grin)
Well..he didn't end up with that many, but he got more than the one or two I'd thought about. And I wouldn't give up any of them for any amount of money--despite the fact they drive us crazy and make us wish teenagers disappeared until they were 25.
So...with that in mind, I am thankful for my blessings. It was a wonderful day, I didn't have to cook, the children were calm and played well together. We sat outside and talked while I relaxed on my porch swing and admired all of God's creations.
It was truly a wonderful day.
I hope yours was too.

Update for the staple crowd...

Well... I figured it was time to put an update out here on the ear staple.

I haven't lost any more weight... But as I think I've said (was it another post? grin) I haven't GAINED any more either. The problem is, I'm not sure if it's the ear staple, or the gradual change of my diet. I've been really changing the way I eat. I don't eat a lot of bread any more, and I try to eat as much veggies and fruit as I can. I'm also taking a lot of vitamin pills and stuff to help with the way my joints feel, and I think the combination is helping.

I do feel better. Lots better. I feel like I'm getting thinner, although the scale doesn't indicate that. My hubby is sure that I'm melting from the top down...(grin) I don't mind, as long as it makes it to the hips! (LOL)

So...if that depresses some of you, I'm sorry! Don't let it. The staple thing is a percentage thing. Only 20% are going to have that dramatic effect. The 20% that it doesn't do anything for, I feel for you. And the 60% of us that loose slowly and gradually, just sigh and keep at it. It didn't take me one year to gain all this weight, and it's not going to take one year for it to come off and stay off.
At least that's what I tell myself...
;)

Mixed Feelings...mixed nuts

Well...
this has been a strange week.
Yesterday I got the news that a friend died - and I'd just been reading his emails the day before. Really strange. It's funny how things sneak up on you like that. Death always hits me - not, well, hard, but hits me. I've had a lot of death in my life, and I always weep. I don't think it's always from sadness-sometimes I think it's jealousy-they got there before me. That song where the grandpa is telling the 15 year old about his grandmother's note left just before they eloped, and how "if you get there before I do, don't give up on me." I guess that's how I feel. It's especially what I want my husband to hear.
I'm also in a strange mood because my daughter left for Yellowstone today. My hubby took her up last night, and it's the second one that is out of the home. It's not like we haven't been expecting this, or waiting for this to happen. In fact, I kind of pushed her out into the world. We'd decided she was getting to comfy at home - no rent, no school, part time work. What do you think? ;)
"Go work up there," I said. "You'll love it! Living in a dorm with a roomie, working in a national park, going on trips to town, not having to prepare meals or wash dishes -"(actually, that appealed to me for a few minutes) I'm not sure my hubby will thank me anytime soon. He wanted her off her duff and out of the house, but MONTANA?
Anyway, thinking of her there, off on her own with strangers everywhere she looks-makes me wonder how she is going to handle it. It's her first test of adulthood. Her first trial by fire. How is she going to handle it? I can only pray and hope the best. I kept repeating in my mind last night as I was trying to go to sleep all by myself in our empty feeling king sized bed that I was leaving it all in the Lord's hands. He was much more capable than I, He was the one holding them in his care. I had to let go.
Letting go isn't always easy.
Her sister jokingly told me she'd have to come home more often to take up the slack with her sister gone. I'm not sure that's a good idea either..(grin) Her brothers love to have someone to torment. The one sister left might string them all up by their toes during the night and I might find them all screaming outside from the tree in the morning...
I remember when I went off to college my first year, and it was a scary time for me. It was the first time I'd ever experienced being homesick. I'm afraid my daughter might be homesick, and I'm not sure what to tell her-how to help. I'm not sure how I got over it, but I must have just kept going and kept doing, even though my heart ached with the strangeness of it.
I still find it hard to believe I'm old enough to have a daughter out on her own. Two of them, with the third quickly joining them. Where did the time go? I still feel like I'm in my early 20's, just barely married and happily living with the man of my dreams.
How come we can't stop time and view the past for a moment and soak up the joy and happiness that was then? Would that help with the ache in the empty space now? Probably not. If someone came up with a way to do it, they'd probably make millions.
I said mixed nuts in the title today because a mixed bag of feelings is much like a mixed bag of nuts. I don't like all the nuts they put in those things. I like peanuts, cashews, almonds and that's about it. But you can't toss feelings or emotions as casually aside as you can a nut you don't like. Sometimes you have to just deal with them and go on. Sometimes I guess that's where our growth comes from-these times of separation.
My hubby commented the other night that we were going to be in trouble when all of our kids were out of the house. What would we talk about? I told him that was silly. We'd keep talking about all the other things we talk about now! Writing, a book we've read, the house, the yard, our kid's problems, the church, etc. etc. etc. That is one of the things I love so much about him. We talk about everything.
But, I don't know why it's so much easier for me to let go than it is for him-I'm the mother! You'd think my heart would be pulled much tighter than his, but sometimes it's not. However, this time, I think it might be just as hard for me as it is him-even though heis the one dropping her off and having to drive away. (I think I would have a hard time seeing the road for a few miles if it were me)
I think it's a good thing I had to go to work today. I think sitting at home in an empty home, knowing that my daughter is far, far away, would NOT have been a good thing.
I might have to go buy some nuts on the way home.

Vacation is a break from....work?

Well...I got to take a short break last week with my family. It was wonderful - sort of. We went up to the mountain and thought it would just be cool...it was snow. All the time we were there. At the same time, it was melting too, and so there was red mud everywhere. sigh. It was interesting. The pool was nice, and the condo was nice, the company was very nice (grin) - it could just have been a little warmer.
What do I expect, huh?
anyway...now the vacation is over and it's back to work, and I'm not sure it was long enough. I got two of the major projects I was working on finished, which is something. Now I have to get back into the swing of writing again. It's almost like I turned that part of my brain off for a while, which I never thought was possible. I didn't think I could ever shut that side of my brain off. It's a little disconcerting.
I'm just hoping that I can get it going again!

Yard sale anyone?

Why do we do it? Everytime we hold a yard sale, we promise ourselves that we will never do it again. It's never been profitable, it usually costs more than we make on whatever we are trying to sell - and then it's the people.
I just love people's comments on things...and how they always try to talk you down on the price. Say we want $5 for something, will we take 3? or less? Hello...it's not like you could find this item for $5 anywhere anyway...but that's not the point. There are those who feel they have to treat us like this is Tijuana and bargaining is the norm. sigh. Sorry...we aren't desperate, we just want to clear the stuff out of our closets, you know?
Anyway, we gave in and decided to help out a family member by helping get stuff out of her house this past week. We also decided (in a brief moment of insanity)to hold a moving sale for her, thinking we might get some money for her. That was our first mistake.
We decided after Saturday was over, perhaps we were just supposed to help get the stuff out of her house. It proceeded to rain, snow and hail - just about everything but show sunlight for the entire time we were holding the sale. (sigh)
After we got cleaned up and put everything away and went to the store, the clouds were dispersing and the sun was out!!! I could have screamed. It was crazy.
We made enough to cover the add in the paper, and probably the gas we put in the vehicles to move the stuff out of her house. Oh well...at least it's out of her house, right?
We did a good deed, everyone is happy, we just don't have a garage until after hubby gets off work and we get everything else loaded up to the DI...
ah the joy of service in the spring in the west...

Patience is a virtue???

Well, I've never been really good at being patient. I have lots of kids, you'd think it would be a characteristic by now. At least I've gotten better! But this whole staple thing gives me a clue that I'm not as patient as I thought. I wanted to drop those pounds! I wanted to be thin and look gorgeous and have my hubby be fighting men off with a big gun! (at least that's what he's afraid is going to happen - grin)
Not gonna happen any time soon! sigh. At least it was kind of fun buying a swimsuit the other day... I wasn't stretching the fabric everywhere and I didn't look like a beached whale...so progress is being made. I haven't been able to weigh myself for a while, so I can't give you a weight loss thing right now, that will have to wait another week. Have a good one!

well...not as well as expected

Or should I say - hoped? This staple thing was supposed to be my salvation from physical woes. My help in my darkest hour...my excuse to not eat...
yeah right.
Sorry about waxing dramatic there, but that's what I sort of felt that first two weeks. Now I'm a little more dismayed and dissapointed. I have lost weight...I'm down, lets see... 7 pounds. I guess that's nothing to laugh at, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick...but in a month? I lost 10 pounds a month when I was on Weight Watchers. I have to admit, that was like 25 years ago and it's a whole different story now - but I had thought it would be a more dramatic weight loss. I guess I'll have to take what I can get. A pound is a pound, and a lifestyle change is a change that sticks, so I'm trying.
I'll make it more official...weight 315 lbs

I have to laugh...my poor hubby has been trying to eat a little differently with me (we've been not eating bread or pasta as much - although the olympics kind of messed that up, and lots of vegies and fruit) he has gained 2 pounds! So I guess things could be worse...
Poor man...
;)